Jealousy. It is not something I am proud to admit I feel. It is not good for my relationships with others or for my own heart. One day recently, when I was feeling particularly sad that we haven't expanded as a family yet, I read this section in the book Unglued:
"I'm not equipped to handle what she has, both good and bad-- and what she has is always a package deal of both. In other words, I've been assigned a load that I can handle. The good and the bad in my load is what I should carry."
Truthfully, we're not looking at others fairly when we envy them. We focus only on the good and not the struggle that they feel. We can't adequately and genuinely celebrate their good news, and we also can't adequately or genuinely help in their sadness if we don't nip jealousy in the bud. It keeps us from being close to those we love.
The other thing I have had to take a hard look at is the sadness I feel at times. Especially about Titus. It just seems like something that should have resolved by now or something that I should be ok with since it worked out so well for him. But it has been helpful to recognize that for us there was a loss. We prepared for him, prayed for him, and waiting patiently for his due date. So the dramatic series of events at birth will be hurtful. Recently I got some updates on him and his siblings, and some updated pictures. The updates were like a breath of fresh air to me, which has shown me that keeping up to date with his life may be a part of the healing.
Despite feeling the frustration, we are still putting one foot in front of the other in regards to this process. We are adding things to our online profile and considering expanding to a new site. We keep contact with the social workers and pray for them all the time. Many days, their jobs are difficult and taxing.
Luca recently has grown leaps and bounds. He initiates prayer for those in need all the time and he has a heart for those who are suffering. He recently asked Josiah and I, after we helped serve a meal at the Open Door, why those in need can't just come to our house for food. I've had many moments where I recognize that his growth and love will be super helpful when we adopt. We are certainly growing as a family and preparing for that day to come. We will stand ready and prepared, because God promises He will move when it is best fit. Thank you for waiting and praying with us.