I've read many sentences that say, "Don't expect the child to be grateful." or "Don't expect them to thank you for adopting them." or " Don't expect them to see life or parenting as a gift."
I understand this to a certain degree, but I think we aren't giving kids enough credit. As we were preparing for Milo's party last week, Braydon said to me, "Mom, before I was born I wanted to be here. I wanted to be born. And when there was no Milo, I was sad. I wanted a brother, and I missed him." I think these sweet sentiments are certainly a gratitude for life. And then today he said, "I always wanted a mom... and I have one! I wanted a dad... and I got that too!" The words may be different but I'll take it as a "thank you". While Milo prepped for his party and anticipated his birthday, his excitement was explosive. He shared how great he thought being four years old was going to be and how he was getting bigger and stronger and taller. When was the last time a child wasn't excited about celebrating the next year to come, when to them, life inexplicably gets more amazing? This excitement is gratitude shown in a childlike way.
I think my theory has two parts: I think part of being grateful is being led by example. Recently, our family came down with the stomach bug (again). While we were sick, I said to Milo, "I'm so glad you have all these new toys while we are stuck in the house". He replied, "Ya I've got so much new things AND Braydon's doing a great job getting his puke in the bucket!" That's the glass half full if I've ever heard it! There have been other times that I have lamented to my kids during illnesses that it is too bad that we aren't able to get outside or see friends. Often, they respond in similar, disappointed terms. Could it be that Milo's positive response was a reflection of an initial positive comment?
The other half is that innately we see the greatness of what is around us. I'm reminded of this nearly every time we drive past the ocean and Luca says, "Wow, BIG pool, Mama!" or when Braydon inspects a ladybug with a friend for a half hour. They are expressing how impressed they are with the world. They are saying in their words and actions, "this is amazing" and many days they remind me of the sweetness of life more than I remind them.
So yes, I do not expect a small child to thank me for adoption or for life. I also will expect days where they are ungrateful and have a bad attitude (but that certainly isn't limited to the adopted child!). But they will be thankful. They will express their complete joy in the creation around them, their love for Jo and I, and how much they care for their siblings. I think we just have to see it from their perspective and read between the lines of their words. And I pray God will keep us focused on joy and thankfulness so that we can guide them to see it even when its hard.
So, "I can't believe I'm four! I love four!" will continue to serve as a reminder of how great and big life is and also as a thank you. Not just a thank you that fills my heart but a thank you that fills the heart of God, and after all, He is the one who really deserves the graditude anyway.