If you know me, you probably know that I have always wanted a daughter. That being said, I have had a handful of sad days during pregnancy. The sadness was not for my future son, who I so badly wanted to meet and raise, but for the letting go of the daughter I never had. I think the closeness I have with my mom has always been something I want to replicate. The sadness never lasted more than a day or two as I readjusted my heart and mind. Part of this process has led me to the realization that what I want is not always what is best for me or my family.
The task that Jo and I have right now to raise three boys is sometimes hard, sometimes daunting, and sometimes scary (to me). At the same time, I love the energy of a house of boys, the "punch for punch" parties, chase games, spontaneous dance contests, and endless competitions. I enjoy the ability to make them happy just by serving a hearty meal (they call me the "best cook ever" when I put cereal on the table). And at the end of the day, brotherhood is just a beautiful thing to watch.
I've come to realize that the feelings of brotherhood are pretty innate. Just recently, Luca and Milo got into trouble. They used magnets to scrap holes in the wall and to make charcoal-like marks on the couch and trim. Some prilivages were taken away, and they both had to help me clean and fix the mess. As Milo cleaned the wall, he was sobbing remorsefully. Luca on the other hand, kept looking at Milo and saying, "You sad? We bad, Milo. We bad." He knew he was in trouble, but being in trouble with his older brother felt totally worth it. On a different occasion, I went upstairs for a minute, leaving the three boys downstairs alone. As I was upstairs, I heard a huge noise and rushed back to investigate. All three boys stood silently together, their eyes darting back and forth between each other, and I noticed Braydon was holding his eye. No one ever told me what happened. I don't think I will ever know. It's a secret only the three of them share. (Braydon had a black eye for over a week). Watching these events and relationships from the outside, I see how unique and wonderful they are.
Jo and I get the feeling that if we were to choose the gender, we would not make a level headed decision; we would go with what I have always wanted to have. But emotions are fleeting, and emotional decisions are not always in our best interest. We are trusting God in choosing the gender in the same way he chose the others. He knows what our family should be made of. He knows who needs us and where our parenting skills will be of the best use. If I am to be the mother of 8 boys (just joking, Jo), I will gladly take on that challenge, continuing to enjoy the relationships I have with my sons. I know it will be beautiful, fulfilling, and surrounded with love.
If we do have a girl, she will be an incredibly special addition who will be loved and protected by many (and I'll buy PINK!). If we have a boy he will join a band of brothers who are all incredibly loyal, and each special in their own way. Plus we may finally take the plunge and get a urinal.
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All boys!!
(Easter, 2009)