http://waitingfamilies.bethany.org/home/massachusetts/josiah-and-madison
Thank you for the continued support!
Joy in the Journey |
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The first time I saw you was like a dream come true. No I didn't give you the gift of life, life gave me the gift of you. (Author unknown)
Join along as we follow God's leading into adoption. We hope to adopt in 2014 or 2015 and we are happy to share this journey with you. We already love this baby and pray for him or her daily…
Recently we added an online profile to the website of our adoption company. This profile is a way for expectant mothers to find us before they even contact Bethany. We pray this is a useful tool to bring us to the baby that is meant to be in our family. If you would like to share this link (by Facebook or email), please feel free. Or if you become aware of someone who is unexpectantly expecting, you are welcome to share the information with them as well. God uses many miraculous paths to bring a family together, and we welcome you to help us! http://waitingfamilies.bethany.org/home/massachusetts/josiah-and-madison Please continue to pray for us as we prepare spiritually, financially, and physically for another child! We are looking forward to meeting him or her more each day. Lately, our desire for another baby has grown, and we are getting so excited (and sometimes impatient) to add another Aberle to the mix!
Thank you for the continued support!
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I have to admit that our transition into school has not been great. This summer, projects piled up and things got pretty messy. I kept telling myself, "Once the kids are back in school, I can catch up." With all the kids home, its hard to get anything done in it's entirety so a part of me looks forward to the school year. I love summer and the special things we do as a family, but I also like the routine and productiveness the school year brings. When school started, my unrealistic expectations revealed themselves quickly. For example, my visions for Luca and I were quite hopeful. I thought Luca would love the one on one attention, he would get to do lots of little things with me, he may even potty train, and during naps the world would be my oyster. Oddly enough, Luca did not plan this same agenda. He is so sad that his brothers are gone, he is cranky, not sleeping, not wanting to play, hurting people, and yelling a lot. Clearly he didn't get my memo. I also conveniently forgot about the morning stress that school brings. At least three mornings a week in the summer we are out by 8, so I thought an 8:30 school arrival was a piece of cake. Instead we get up at 6:30, battle about getting dressed, we lose items of clothes even though they were neatly placed out the day before. We have 30 minutes of "poop drama" (I often wonder if every family has the poop drama that we have). One kid has to poop, they all have to poop. Then we progress into, "I can't finish", "So and so's poop really smells", "I need help wiping", "I got poop on (insert ANY noun)", "I think I have to go again", and "My cereal is getting soggy while I am pooping". During breakfast this morning, one child ate the entire family's plate of bacon, leaving others in tears. Then we have missing backpacks, shoe troubles, spirited discussions about if we need sweatshirts, and frustrations that no one can go to school shirtless in bead necklaces and a bow tie. I admit I haven't been the happiest. I allowed my expectations to leave me frustrated and annoyed.
This has reminded me how fleeting happiness is. I know my examples are not tragedies, just inconveniences, but I do believe the same principles apply. Josiah and I have talked many times about how happiness should not be our goal in life. Happiness is too situational. Since each day is filled with good and bad, joy and hardship, why make a goal that is going to be shattered depending on circumstances? We don't teach happiness as a goal to our kids either. When a big hardship or struggle comes there way, what would they stand on for support? Instead we concentrate on peace. Despite the fact that some days are good and some are bad we can have peace. Life is unpredictable and we have found so far that peace takes us further than happiness. Josiah and I have had our share of struggles. We have been hurt and disappointed by those close to us, we have experienced death and pain, we have had marital conflict that lasts longer than it should, our kids have left us with feelings of inadequacy as we try to parent the best we can, and we've been sad or sick for prolonged periods. Our kids see these feelings on our faces and I can already tell that they know life isn't perfect. What they are also learning though is that God is with us. He is here in our home helping us along. God brings a peace through the bad as we trust Him and we can lean on Him for it all. As we are real with our children and show them this comfort, I find we are giving them something much more substantial than happiness. We are giving them an anchor for the hard days. I recently heard someone who was experiencing their last days on earth say, "I am ready because going to Heaven feels a lot like just walking from the kitchen to the living room". I marvel at this peace. This comment is hopeful too, because it shows that peace has no limits. God can get us there regardless of the storm around us. As we continue to prepare for adoption, we are trying to remember that we have many unknowns ahead. We know that there are struggles to come and transitions that will be difficult. We know that adoption is not easy and certainly not just happy moments. As we take it day by day we bathe each day in prayer and remind ourselves of the peace of God. We see His hand, hear His voice, and know that He is filling not just us, but our kids as well with His strength. And we pray the same for you as you go through your own struggles and tears. our own good days and bad days. We know that not all your days are happy but we pray that there is peace. As you strive for this peace please know that you can always lean on us as we lean on God. As far as fears go, this may be an odd one, but at the beginning of the summer, my kids were afraid of weddings. They didn't care for the attention, the noise, and all the people were intimidating. They were always unsure and apprehensive about what was going to happen next. Josiah and I kept telling them, "If you just get through walking down that aisle, taking pictures, listening in church, and eating politely at a fancy table, THEN you can dance, be crazy, and have awesome desserts!" Well it just so happens we had a lot of practice at overcoming our fear this summer. Two weeks ago, we had Hilary's wedding, Jo's older sister. This is the third wedding of the summer... and we have one more in January! Each wedding got easier on the kids. They knew what to expect and could breath a little easier. Luca was so comfortable by Hilary's wedding that he got up during church, walked to the front and came right up to me (where the bridesmaids were standing) and said, "Uh mom, we are out of tic tac's." Surprisingly to him, this is not a good reason to pause a wedding ceremony. They know so many wedding details now. One of them turned to me at Hilary's rehearsal and said, "Did someone bring the bouquet made of bows?" This strikes me as something not all men know about, never mind all children! Besides the silly things they picked up, Hilary's wedding was the first wedding that the boys made it through to the dancing. And finally they got to see what Jo and I were talking about and let loose a little. Through their practice and determination they found the fun. It was a great moment for all of us. As a gift for Hilary and Jack, family and friends put together a scrapbook. Each page had pictures (of Hilary and Jack or of them with family) and a page written by each of us. People shared date night recommendations, predictions about their family, marriage advice, and memories and qualities about Hilary and Jack. I had the joy of putting the pages together once they were completed. One friend wrote something that stuck out to me, "I have experienced much in marriage, long term illness, financial distress and the like, but what I have found is that greater joy and happiness comes after these things, once you have lived through it together." What a wise statement. Husband and wife grow together, cling to each other, and provide support for each other in the hard times, and afterwards the joy of the increased faith, love, and care is almost palpable. Oddly enough, my kids modeled this principle in their wedding fears. Sometimes we have to survive through the uncomfortable and scary to get to our dance party.
As someone who passionately cares about marriage, I pray that whatever hardship you are facing, you remember these hardships will reap a reward, a closeness, and a joy. Fight for your marriage, pour your heart into it each day, and the outcome will be greater than whatever "happily ever after" you imagine. The Aberle's have a book! And as of two weeks ago, we are APPROVED! One of the last things we had to do to become "official" is make a book. The book has a page devoted to how Jo and I met, our wedding, an individual page to share about each family member, a page devoted to what we like to do as a family, one for holidays, one about extended family, vacations, church family, school, activities, and the like. As I explained in one of the earliest posts, we can get a baby one of two ways: One way is by being paired up with an abandoned baby (and basically finding out hours before we drive to the hospital). The other is through being chosen by a birth mother. The latter is what the book is for. Birth mothers who want to choose the family for their baby look through numerous books to select a match. Afterwards, the birth mother gets to keep the book of the family she chooses. Sometimes a mother may look at the book and want to meet you in person. Future picture and letter exchanges are also common, most often on a yearly basis. We had a fun time creating our book together. Some nights B would get out of bed to work on a few pages with me, and all three boys loved seeing what their pages were all about. If you come over, they will be delighted to show you, as they have been doing for each of our guests. It's so neat to think that a year from now, our story may be different, filled with an adoption story and an additional family member. We are praying for that day and enjoying this time of stillness. We no longer have any paperwork to do. Now is just a time of waiting. We are enjoying the summer and waiting for what God has next. He is writing the story and designing each and every page.
Many of you know that in early June we had our last big meeting and finalized our adoption papers as well as paid the first half of the adoption fee. When our social worker left she said, "You may not hear from me in a while! If you want to know anything, like if anyone has looked at your family book, I can let you know!" I have to admit, I was psyched. I was so excited to be done with paperwork and placed in the waiting phase. Plus, I am really starting to want another baby (no surprise there). Then this past Wednesday we got an email. This email explained that we were not approved because some of the paperwork we did early in the process had lapsed and needed updating. I have to admit this hiccup was a little disappointing. I thought we had been good to go for a while and honestly after any amount of paperwork, who wants to go back and do more? I had the three forms redone by Friday, so God willing we will be fully approved soon.
I felt the need to include this update because it reminded Josiah and me that adoption isn't easy. Just when you think you have it all organized, you realize you don't. Fighting for the child is an active battle and discouragement and lack of patience come right to the surface. After describing the process, some have asked me if the whole thing feels worth it. Yes. I know all of this work, effort, and vulnerability is only to help one child. In our world, one filled with orphans, this seems like hardly a drop in the bucket. But I do have faith that it is really a lot more than that. The ripple effects of how this could affect our family, the child's birth family, the child's future, and who they affect for the better is truly endless. Last Sunday instead of a sermon, my church had thirty teens and adults who just went on a missions trip to Mississippi share about their experiences. Every year, my church sends whoever is willing for two weeks. They work in the Sawmill Quarter which is an extremely poor section in Canton, about thirty miles away from Jackson. This trip has been going on for about twenty years and each year they run a camp for the neighborhood kids and do construction projects for those in the community in need. The Sawmill Quarters are considered untouchable. No one from the surrounding areas ventures in. The area has high crime rates and is filled with poverty, violence, and children in need. As they were sharing, they talked a lot about how incredible the consistency of our church groups has been for this community. They expect our church to show up, they remember the people, they stay in contact during the year, and they feel loved. Now that this trip has been happening for several years, change is becoming very evident. Mothers are coming to the camp with their kids and the children and mothers are changing. Moms are feeling joy for the future, talking of college for their kids, something that at a time was unimaginable. The boys who have grown through the camp programs are coming back in their early twenties, and, despite their tough demeanor, are embracing our leaders and singing right along with the young kids. Youth outside the Sawmill Quarters are coming in to participate in the program. This land of untouchables is being embraced. The similarity I see here is that many would say, "What is two weeks a year really doing for this community?" But the proof is there. Even if it seems small, this two weeks is life changing. A group from New England is embracing the hopeless in Mississippi and giving them consistant love, hope in heaven, and encouragement while on earth. It is in no way a small act. Even if those first few years were rocky, the work reaped beauty. The same is true for adoption. As impatient as I am, each frustration is going to be worth it. The group sang a song today with the lines, "I lean not on my own understanding, my life is the hands of the maker of heaven." And that is essentially what each of us has to do when we don't understand the hardship ahead. Even if we feel impatient or our work seems futile, we can find peace knowing that God sees the big picture and he has a great big perfect plan. ![]() Lately I have seen how our ability to point out flaws in others before we see our own is so easy. Often, it is my second nature. A few weeks ago, Luca walked into my mom's house wearing only his birthday suit and eating a snack. He wandered through the downstairs spilling crumbs, peeing once in a while, and dropping each toy he picked up onto the floor. He was literally a little tornado. My mom watched him half amused and half terrified at what damage could come next. As he approached the kitchen, he spotted a small palm-sized puddle of water. He immediately crouched down and pointed, screaming, "Oh no!!!!" He was completely distraught at the "mess" he found and just had to show it to his grandma. Never did it cross his mind to take a look in the rearview mirror at the destruction he had just caused. A week later, we were walking through the North End. Luca had cup of gelato in his hand that freely flowed down his face, arm, shirt, shorts, between his toes, and onto the ground. His shirt was already dirty (from who knows what) and his unruly curls were having a particularly wild day in the humidity (even before the ice-cream mousse). He walked in front of a food stand and saw a little piece of red pepper on the ground. His response was the same, "Oh no, Mama!!!!" These stories are amusing, but I think the long term affect of this mentality is dangerous for us. Sadly, I see it in myself sometimes: I don't always see my shortcomings or mistakes as quickly as I should. I don't always serve with a giving heart or without judgement. As a mom, where picking up after others and running on no sleep is the norm, the frustration or flaw of another can seem glaring. Seeing this in small children is only evidence that this is innate and certainly not one of our best qualities. Even in adoption, people find there are many ways to judge or hold anger, but honestly, it does us no good. It does the child no good either; it does not demonstrate what forgiveness and overflowing love looks like. These are things we have been given and need to quickly and earnestly pass on. Here are two ways I have found to combat this emotional downfall. First, I view the work I do in my home or for my family and friends as a gift. Organization is an ability I have and can accomplish easily. So as I pick up my family's dirty clothes or old lunch I think of how I can do this out of love and as a gift to them. If for some reason I couldn't serve my family, I would be devastated, so even if it is redundant, it is a privilege. The things that make us resentful often extend out of the home, but the same principles apply - give it as a gift. Second, I pray often. If another child is consistently mean to one of my sons, if someone makes a rude comment to me in the grocery store about my parenting abilities (or lack-therof), if a family member hurts my feelings, I pray for them. Praying focuses me on the bigger picture. It focuses my heart onto God. Not focusing on the flaws of others in certainly a quality our kids can learn as well, and they will mimic it if they see it in Josiah and me. There have been times I have seen one of my kids tease someone for one reason or another. They see a flaw, a weakness, or something unusual. But after talking these circumstances through, they ready themselves for the next chance to love. On one particular occasion, Milo said to me, "Mom someone puked in the nursery! He was so sad, so I prayed for him right then!" This reaction is a growing process, one each of us can claim as our own. And I promise as this love overflows and goodness is shared, God will press more on our hearts and change lives for the better. I have clingy kids... and now thats its summer they are always. always. here. We have had a busy, hectic few weeks (I know, I always say that, but its true). On top of the craziness, I got food poisoning and Milo ate 7 hotdogs (without me knowing) so he spent a night sick as well. When I go to the trash, I hear panicking little people yelling, "Mom?!?!" as if they have been abandoned. When I go to work and drop the boys off at the Y nursery, I come back to find sad little ducklings who have been anxiously watching the clock and who immediately flock around me in tears upon my return. I literally trip on them as they hover close by while I work around the house (every mother knows what that is like). Recently I went to a prayer group, but didn't pray much, because they were hanging on me and not wanting to play. I returned home, after grocery shopping, tired, hungry, and needing a minute to myself. I told the kids to play something quietly because I needed a time out and a snack. Luca heard about this and decided it was a bad idea. He clawed for my lap, ate my salad and tuna, and delightfully kept getting his head in the way of the computer screen. I sat at the computer looking at two of my favorite author's websites. BOTH had articles up that were about time management that day. BOTH were about learning what to say "no" to, so we are free and prepared to say, "Yes" when the important things arise. BOTH stressed the fleetingness of time. One in particular ended with...
Can we keep our focus simple so we spend more of our fleeting time on love? And can we figure out how before the children are gone? It didn't take long for me to realize that the hot little ball of frustration in my lap was the exact person I was reading about. One of the little boys who I was allowing myself to be angered by instead of focusing on what the summer really is about. After those five minutes, I took a deep breath, put on some happy kid music and enjoyed lunch with my kids. Some days, when we are sick or activities get canceled, I need to be reminded that God might be saying, "Stop thinking about the rest of it and love these kids. These days are not forever, this is the work I have for you right now." So even if it took me until noon, I am glad I see it now. I'm glad I didn't miss the dance party and popsicle time, because that was exactly where God wanted me that day. "No matter who you are, you're not that far, you're not too far, from forgiveness." -Lecrae7/9/2014 ![]() We have had an amazing week! It was all a little nuts but a great week filled with family and celebration. Josiah's little sister, Christa, got married last Sunday to a wonderful man, and we couldn't be more excited for them. It has been so much fun for all of us to have family visiting, and it has been great catching up. Josiah and I have had pockets of opportunity to share with the family about the adoption. To me, these conversations are just as special as sharing about pregnancy. The other day, Josiah and I were talking to Jo's cousin Dave, and sharing some of the things we have learned so far. We were at the rehearsal dinner, in a room filled with joyful family members and friends. Dave gestured to the room and said, "How can you argue with a child joining this. This is great." I found this to be especially beautiful because Dave knows his family. He wasn't gesturing to a group of perfect, cookie cutter people who are always happy and in celebration-mode. He was gesturing to a dynamic family who have their ups and downs, even sometimes hurt each other, but who have experienced "family" much deeper and know the richness of being together. The other day, I was putting the kids to bed and I said, "Boys, I'm sorry I was frustrated and yelled so much today, do you forgive me?" and Braydon, without missing a beat said, "That's ok Mom, we didn't listen to you." I was glad he saw a bigger picture (and more that just a mean mom), but more importantly I was appreciative of how easily he forgives. I can't promise my kids, or my family, friends, or husband for that matter, that I will be perfect. It's actually quite the opposite. I can promise I will screw up and need forgiveness. The nice thing is that they come with that same mentality. We are a bunch of imperfect people, trying to love each other as best as we know how, but our failures will also be there. As a result, sometimes we will hurt the ones we love most. Knowing this, and knowing we can choose forgiveness and love, will only make our relationships deeper. This is what leads to the richness and fullness of a wedding celebration, because when you take a person into your family, by marriage, adoption, or another method, you take the whole person, flaws and all. I read an Ann Voskamp article a month ago that I really liked, my favorite line was, "You’ve never lost if you’ve learned. You’ve never failed if you’ve let your feet find the floor again come morning. And if I’ve loved redemption and grace and mercy for me, how can I love anything less for you? Love is patient and patience is a willingness to suffer — and simply, I choose to always love and suffer with you.” This is one of the most important things I have read in a long time. Its one of the most important things I can promise my kids. I want the mountaintop experiences with my family. I want weddings, birthdays and fun days at the beach... but to get there I will also accept the valley's, the ditches, and the storms. I'm a forgiven child of God, and so are they. This is a very important week in our adoption process. We have a few forms to finalize, some large expenses to pay, and decisions to make. Our last meeting is tomorrow afternoon, and then, as long as everything goes smoothly, our files will be reviewed and we will be eligible for a child at any moment. We ask that you pray for us. Pray for peace and clear direction. Its crazy how dynamic this situation is; we could literally have a baby by the end of June... or not until next June. We know this is where our family is meant to be, but the unknowns can be scary!
One form in particular that we have to review with our social worker is called, "The Family's Acceptance Statement". This form is a contract that outlines what disabilities, ethnicity, emotional struggles, and past abuse issues we think we can parent in our home. Everything from cleft lip to down syndrome is on this list, and what feels like a million things in-between. It also includes decisions about the contact we are comfortable having with the birthmother, birthfather or either of their families. Please pray for discernment as we are trying to process these decisions. A week ago, I was sitting in the sun after lunch. The weather was just perfect and its hard for me to stay in the house once a summer day hits. Milo came and asked what I was doing. I said, "I'm trying to get a tan". He replied, "What is a tan?" I said, "A tan is when your skin gets darker. It gets darker and it looks nice." Milo thought for a minute and said, "Right! So your trying to become camouflage!" I laughed and explained that this won't happen. As he rode his bike around me he would occasional yell out a "hello" or "I hope you find the tan!" I later told Josiah the story and he laughed and said, "Beauty means different things to different people." As there are many hard and scary decisions to make about adoption, I found Jo's statement comforting. God already knows who the child in our family will be and He knows it will be beautiful. Worrying about the details and the unknowns comes far too naturally, but trusting Him will have the greater reward. He already has something beautiful in motion. Thank you for continuing to read up on our process and for the support and encouragement. Thank you for the prayers. Phase one is almost over and we hope you will join us for the next phase as well. Last weekend, I ran the Boston Run to Remember, a half marathon put on by the Boston Police Running Club to celebrate the lives of fallen police officers and their families as well as raise money for kids in need. This was the second year that I have competed in this race. During my training this year, I started to realize that I had been enjoying the challenge of longer runs, valuing their length for training purposes, but also recognizing that these long runs had become fun for me. Last year, when I reached mile 10, I hit a wall. Each step forward was especially challenging, and each additional mile marker I passed was a huge struggle. I thought this was pretty typical, by mile 10 your body has just about used all it has left to give, so you dig a little deeper to get to 13.1. This year miles 6-9 were my hardest. This surprised me and completely caught me off guard. I have run more than 6 miles numerous times, I slept well the night before, ate a good breakfast, but still this is where I struggled. It was a new battle, trying to stay positive and motivated while struggling so early, I wasn't even half done. I typically pray when I run, so I found myself saying, "God your going to have to do this because I can't". This reminded me of my children. Even though the race is the same, its just a different day, we can never expect things to go the same way. Each pregnancy, each labor, each growing process is different. Parenting, like many others things, is an ever changing-ever learning process. I am sure you can think of many examples of what I am talking about. For me I think about pregnancy immediately. I was a happy pregnant lady first time around, but with Milo it was one of the hardest 9 months of my life. Then I think about transitioning into school. Braydon's first year of preschool was extremely hard on him, but Milo transitioned into school almost effortlessly. Braydon and Milo were very healthy babies, but Luca, starting at 5 weeks, had a ton of respiratory difficulties and food allergies. A few months ago, Luca pooped at Target while we were shopping and somehow one side of his diaper came undone. Before I knew what was going on I see Luca waddling towards me with poop falling out of his pant leg. I remember saying, "In the seven years of diapers, this has NEVER happened!" So the examples of new experiences can truly come in any shape or form. Each child brings along their own needs and struggles and the way I respond and help had to be different as well. When I see my family, I see the uniqueness of each person and how they have changed me, blessed me, and stretched me. Josiah and I went to a wedding about a month ago that had an incredibly powerful wedding ceremony. I remember the pastor saying that as we work through struggles and disagreements as a couple what we find on the other side is intimacy. That's the same for our other relationships as well; on the other side of the hardship is a stronger, deeper relationship. For me this happens with each person in my family, but it also happens with God. I could never thank my kids enough for the ways they have each strengthened my faith. With adoption, its a little bit more obvious how the path is different but already, yet again, it is stretching me. I can go forward with peace in my heart that God is in control.
Lately, I have had a more than usual amount of friends and family ask me for prayer and guidance. I will gladly do so, I want to help in any way that I can. I think what God wants each person to know is that they are not alone. The struggle has a purpose and He is there. I know all of us have parts of our lives that contain pain and hurt and that some days are way harder than others. I pray that peace through the storm will be found. Remember that it's ok to say, "God your going to have to do this, because I can't." |
AuthorJo and I met when we were 15 and we have been married for 9 years. We have three boys, Braydon, Milo, and Luca. Archives
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